TV & Satellite Week – 28th January, 2003

Arabella Weir puts her bum behind her to serve up a spoof cookery show with plenty of bite. By Katherine Hassell.

Obsessing about the size of her posterior brought Arabella Weir national acclaim, but it was being made to feel inadequate by TV chefs rather than reed-thin models that inspired her to write Posh Nosh. The actress who asked “Does my bum look big in this?” on The Fast Show admits she can’t stand the heat, so stays out of the Kitchens of Delia and co. yet, realising that she could still take revenge, she rolled up her sleeves, put on an apron and whipped up a series of 10-minute cookery programme parodies to strike back.

“All those shows make me feel insecure” she complains, “they don’t make me think ‘What a great thing to do with scallops and chives.’ Just, ‘Oh God! I’m a fat oaf with a horrible kitchen.’ My theory is that they’re only made by people who want you to envy them. They don’t want to teach you anything. They want you to think, ‘Look at the perfect life. I bet it’s great at their house because she knows what to do with creme triliche.’ ”

But the lifestyle of Monty and Simon Marchmont (Weir and Richard E. Grant) – proprietors of the Quill and Tassel restaurant – isn’t as perfect as it first appears. The matronly meal-maker and her effeminate, wine-quaffing spouse delight in preparing delicious delecasies on an Aga at their stately plc, yet their marriage is a sham.

As she stands at her stove “cautioning” egg yolks, “embarrassing” baby parsnips and “disabling a partridge in it’s own jus”, it becomes clear that it’s Simon’s position in society rather than passion that prompted Minty to marry the pretentious aristrcrat, who’s clearly gay and particularly fond of his tennis coach.

“Minty’s a desperate snob who never stops mentioning that Simon’s mother is a Lady and that they’ve got Bishop coming to supper.” explains the 45-year-old diplomat’s daughter. “That’s her trade-off. She married a posh bloke she’d have never ordinarilly got hold of. But they do share a committment to poncey food and a belief that it’s the only important thing in life.”

Weir admits, however, you can take her justice with a pinch of the Marchmont’s specialty “wind dried salt”. She means no offence. She’s only jealous.

“I have an enormous admiration for people who can cook” confesses Weir, who loves her microwave “because you can stick everything in it that’s six days old and nobody will have a clue.”

“I’d love to be able to go ‘Throw in this spaghetti and some coriander and there you have it!’ But it’s not me”, she sighs. “One of my closest friends is Italian and says ‘Oh, I’ll just see what I’ve got in the fridge.’ It’s always something you’d pay a fortune for in Soho.”

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